She sits gazing out her window into nothingness, thinking of everything she has been through and what is still to come. Hopelessness creeps into her soul, repeatedly telling her there is no hope, no escape, you are and will always be forever trapped in your past. Let it go, they say, move on. Don’t they understand how badly she wants to? How terribly she wants to forget? But those very people are the ones who wont let it go, wont let her forget. Everywhere she turns and every time she thinks she is finally over it, that she is happy, it starts all over again. Something or someone is always there to remind her of what she has now spent months trying to bury. She smiles, she laughs, to the outside world she is fine and over everything, she is completely back to normal, but little do they know what constantly keeps gnawing at her heart. This pain, this memory is eating her slowly but no one knows it, neither her nor anyone else.
It was just a year ago that everything happened. She remembers everything so vividly and clearly. The missed days, unusual cravings, the amazing ability to smell things, the tenderness of her body. The signs were right in front of her but she didn’t want to believe it and tried to lie to herself for almost three months. Until she realized she couldn’t deny it anymore, she needed to get it checked. And even though deep down inside her she already knew the answer, she couldn’t stop herself from bursting into tears when she saw the result. She knew she had to do something, but what? She had to tell him, he deserved to know! After all she couldn’t possibly do all this on her own but could she? She thought about it for sometime, the way she always does when she knows she needs to make a decision that needs to be well thought-through. After much debate with herself and her conscience, it was done. The final decision was made and she prayed with all her heart it was the right one. She picked up the phone and dialed the number, hearing the voice on the other side gave her comfort and fear twisted in an awkward bundle. She quickly caught herself knowing that regardless of what happened she was strong enough to go on her own, she had an alternative plan in her head and was not afraid to put it to action, but that decision depended on the result of this call. She took a deep breath and explained herself the best she knew how, trying to keep herself from breaking down, no one should ever know how scared she really is. To her shock and relief the response was what she did not expect, he was willing to take responsibility, he was not running away. This gave her comfort but then again, what next? What do we do from here? Unlike her he needed help, he couldn’t think for himself and so she soon found herself discussing her problem with people she hardly knew. It was awkward for a person who never reveals her true feelings to anyone other than herself, but she knew he wouldn’t be able to do it on his own, so she obediently obliged. After many talks, appointments with people who could test her and scans, they sat together and made their decision. She was happy beyond words, this was what she wanted to do and she knew it was right but never said it out of respect for him, wanting it to be his choice as well. She imagined how her life was going to change. It scared her but the happiness always took over and calmed her. She knew how much she had to give up, all her dreams she fought for, she had to let it all go but she didn’t care, she was willing to make that sacrifice. The day came when they had to announce their decision to the people they owed an explanation to, it was better and far more respectable than running away. Little did she know she should have run away, at least she would have been true to herself and her conscience, she would have saved her soul. Everything after that happened so fast. There was much anger, hurt, loud voices and tears. She was numb, so numb to everything. It was once again a series of appointments and scans. She fought and argued for what she knew they both had agreed upon, he was not going to let her down. Having that faith she obliged to all the testing and questioning. They had already made their decision and she was sure of it, he assured her nothing would happen to her, he wouldn’t let them take it away.
Everything came crashing down however that night he wanted to talk to her on her doorstep. Her heart was thumbing knowing like she knew before even before it being proved, what was to come. And finally he said it, with his own words. She silently watched his lips move, she couldn’t understand what he was saying, all that was going through her head was a million questions. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, to just get up and run far away from everyone, even from the one person she thought she could count on. To her surprise she didn’t move, she was calm, still seated, holding his face in her hands and kissing his cheeks telling him whatever it was he wanted her to do she would obey without any questions. And that was exactly what she did. She cried that night, even more than she had the nights before, feeling all alone. She stroked her precious gift while whispering apologies, begging for forgiveness for her lack of strength to disobey. She could not understand why she was not fighting back, being a girl so headstrong and always fighting for what she believed in, was now agreeing to do what she never agreed was the right thing to do, regardless of the situation or circumstance.
It was all over in a couple of hours. She remembers sitting in the corridor waiting for her turn so lose her soul. She catches herself before she faints, nausea creeping into her. This was it, it was all over. She did the only thing she knew was left to do, she prayed, telling herself this was the first sacrifice she would make in her life for the man she loved. She closed her eyes and prayed..
” Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I’m on
Jesus take the wheel”
